How to Avoid Sex by Revert Matthew

Author:Revert, Matthew [Revert, Matthew]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Dark Coast Press
Published: 2013-09-30T20:00:00+00:00

CHAPTER 16

The office was descending into chaos. Most of my co-workers were standing at their desks and crying.

“I can’t feel my legs!” cried one.

“Shut up!” replied another. “None of us can feel our fucking legs.”

As I walked toward my desk, I received torrents of abuse from those around me, which I tried to ignore, but how can one not hear the words ‘unmitigated cunt’ when repeated ad nauseam?

“I can’t take this anymore!” screamed a woman I’d worked with for ten years, but whose name I never bothered to learn. “I can just stand here! It’s not humane!”

She swept the computer off her desk where it landed with a spark and fizz. She climbed atop the newly created space and shrieked before turning her head to face the shattered window.

“Consider this my resignation,” she said as she started running toward it.

With a single, confident leap, she flew through the window, wailing until she made contact with the ground outside. The wailing stopped, as did the grumbling within the workplace. To say this had been an unpleasant day was a gross understatement.

Home time could not arrive soon enough, but for me of course, it wasn’t home time at all. Before I could even consider the sweet embrace of Windsor’s seat, I needed to pay Sexualis Delirium an important visit. I limped my way out of the office, willing my legs to remain strong. I bid my work colleagues a hearty ‘good evening’ and was less than inspired by their response, which verged on the insulting. After I had reversed my treatment, I could set to work restoring order to the rest of my life, with the first item on the agenda being the return of all chairs to the workplace.

I traversed the city, ignoring the encroaching Chads and the pushy vendors. There was no time for pleasantries. I didn’t even pause to regard a single new hat. My legs, no matter how much I pleaded, refused to move faster than an elderly shuffle, which slowed me down more than I would have liked. Back in the unfamiliar part of town, I fought to gain my bearings. The unfamiliar has a habit of appearing larger than life. Mere streets stood between me and Sexualis Delirium, but it may as well have been continents. I struggled to recall familiar landmarks and signposts, but it was of little use. My map was absent, so I had to ask the general public for directions.

I stopped a businessman in mid-stride. He motioned to hit me with his umbrella and sped away as I cowered. A nun, whose habit was clearly on backwards, also reached for her umbrella when as I approached. I ushered her along before it could get nasty. I pleaded with a group of passing children, all of whom gave me a solid whack with their umbrellas, seemingly getting quite a kick out of it as they did. The same fate kept befalling me. Person after person considered me a worthy target for umbrella discourtesy and I didn’t know why.

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